The Importance of Acknowledging Emotions: Lessons from a Tragic Event
Recently, we visited the site of the tragic building collapse in George to see if we could offer any help. It was a week after the event, yet desperate families were still waiting for news of their loved ones. The agony of such extended periods of uncertainty is unimaginable to me.
On the way there, one of my adult children who joined us shared a recent experience that had caused him grief and pain. Seeing his tears of anguish, my first instinct was to comfort him, soothe his wounds, and relieve him of these distressing emotions. But in the moment, there was little I could do. I had no magic balm to offer, no solution, no action plan that would, in the short term, resolve his problems.
After visiting the site and some of the families that were still waiting and seeing the suffering of these relatives, I mentioned to him that in light of this tragedy, our own challenges seemed quite insignificant and seemed to diminish. It was a poorly concealed attempt to offer him some perspective, implying, “see, your own problems are actually not such a big deal.”
He was gracious enough to entertain the idea but remarked that there are different types of pain and suffering, and it’s hard to say sometimes which is the worst. He was right, of course. Simply juxtaposing our suffering next to others’ pain is not a solace. It isn’t always helpful to count our blessings when, in doing so, we dismiss our own experiences as unworthy of real consideration. He was right.
The Importance of Validating Emotions
Psychology tells us that dismissing feelings, covering them up, ignoring them, stuffing them down, or invalidating them in any way is never a good strategy. Research by professionals like Daniel Siegel and others in the field of interpersonal neurobiology highlights the importance of being present with our emotions. Sharing your feelings honestly and completely is far more useful than dismissing them. Having someone who can listen and share with you, showing up for you in your grief, pain, or fear, is an added bonus and the greatest healing that we can offer.
Attempting to make someone else’s pain go away by invalidating them is a common trap. We do this sometimes out of intolerance for their distress, sometimes for intolerance of our own distress, sometimes both. I see it most often in both my own life and the lives of my clients when we feel attacked or criticized, and the only way out seems to defend ourselves. An inability to show up for our siblings, children, or partners in this way leaves behind a swath of distraction in the form of detached, conflicted, and alienated relationships.
Seeking Professional Help
If you are struggling in this way, please know that you can get help. There are professionals who can help you understand and navigate these dynamics in an environment where you can feel safe, seen, and soothed. You can develop healthier ways to manage your own emotions and, as a consequence, the relationships around you.
If you need support, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can book an appointment with me, Charles Clark, either in person or online. Contact me at +27 82 456 3863 or via email at Charles@clarkcounsellor.com. Let’s work together to find the path to emotional well-being and healthier relationships.